felsongwriter

HEALING TAKES TIME

Dear Diary, 

The last few days have been hard. It's interesting that even though things are good and I'm getting better, performing, and will even be on the radio (!!!) I still fell into a bit of a depression and burn out mix. One of the most annoying triggers from C-PTSD, in my opinion, is the fear of being happy. In my case, it tends to manifest itself physically as well.

If you've known me for a longer time, you know that I used to be bed ridden in my 20s because I had a lot of chronic illnesses. Today, I've learn to manage some of them and most have gone into remission, which is so amazing! However, with all of the stress from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I ended up developing an auto immune illness called Alopecia Areata. Basically, I'm losing my hair. It's coming out in clumps and it causes a kind of emotional grieving I never thought about until it happened to me. I've also been dealing with some inflamation on my feet and back pain that forced me to, once again, stay inside. 

I'm not gonna lie, I'm annoyed. I've been working so hard on myself for so long, but every time things get really good in my life, I develop some sort of physical or emotional symptom that brings me back to the couch. It's like my brain shuts my body down so I am forced to rest, and so I did. I rested for 6 days, and then yesterday I got to work on my mental health again. I made a list of my traumas, age by age, then had 2 hours of therapy, then fell asleep for 13 hours. 

I woke up today feeling much better, at least emotionally. I understand it might take some time for my body to catch up, but that's okay. Healing takes time, and I allow myself to be open about the good and the bad because someone out there needs to hear this today: you're not alone. It's okay to have bad days, weeks, months, years… The important thing is to never give up, and to keep looking inwards for answers. 

I'll give you more details about when I'll be on the radio later on, but for now, you can support my music career with just €5 a month by subscribing to the ‘I LOVE FEL’ Club! 

Love, Fel 💜