(TW: Self H, ED, Su!cide) Two days ago, I had a mental health crisis.
I was first diagnosed with depression at 13, when I tried to take myself out of the picture for the first time. I started therapy and haven't really been able to be without a therapist ever since: every time I tried, things got dramatically worse. At 15, I was diagnosed with Bulimia and Anorexia, and all I wanted was to not exist anymore. This is a thought that accompanies me until today, almost everyday. I've learned to see this as an intrusive thought, a habit by now, and not how I truly feel, but the thought actually gives me relief. “A way out, if everything else fails” which is such a damn lie.
I'm a widow by suic!de, and even though I never talk about it because it was a complicated, abusive relationship, I can guarantee you (and me) that this is not a way out. The devastating effects of it are never to be underestimated. I keep these memories in mind when I have these intrusive thoughts. I have too much empathy to do that to my mom, my partner and my friends. If you take your own life, you're not getting rid of the pain - you're passing it on to those who care about you (plus a gigantic dose of guilt).
Which is why, two days ago, after having such a bad mental health crisis, I decided to take a step back.
Like the post under this one says: taking a break is necessary to achieve our goals, too. We need to rest to gather strenght to handle life's crazy unpredictability. But it's a tough moment to be in.
A year ago, I started working on an album, and I firmly believed that I'd be so mentally healthy by now, that I'd be able to be performing, making videos, sending emails to people in the music industry and being in studios. Instead, I still struggle to shower and I am terrified of leaving the house. WHAT? How did this happen? I've been working so hard on my healing, going to trauma therapy with EMDR and Brainspotting, doing somatic movement, journaling, meditating, and I still struggle this much after 2 years?! WHY?! I also realized that over the past 3 month's I've been struggling more because I am so focused on creating content that I don't have energy left for self care. Seriously, this path will lead me nowhere but backwards in my healing.
So, I had to make the decision to change EVERYTHING.
I need to express myself in ways where metrics don't matter so much. I believe in the message of my music, and the first out of two sister albums is ready. I will release it according to my plan, but I won't focus on promoting it. I will put it up for download for free in this website and let my music take it's own journey. I believe in it's message about healing and feeling all the emotions, and I believe in energy, timing, and that my music will reach the right people.
Meanwhile, I will focus on creating healthy habits. I used to be really good at that once, and my self care routine was BEAUTIFUL in 2019-2020. If I did that once, I can do it again. I “just” need to let go of the guilt that I carry with me for not being able to save someone else, and then maybe, just maybe, I'll allow myself to be happy again.
Here's to hoping,
Love yourself first,
Fel